it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
