I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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