I will die if light touches me.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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