I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
