It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
