Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
