i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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