I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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