his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
