I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
They are going to name an STD after you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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