I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
