areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
