Me too!
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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