omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
