Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
