I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize