jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
