The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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