1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Vodka?
Forever.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
