had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
