Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
