When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
