Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
