: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
