its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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