It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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