ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
