I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
