nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
