I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
