i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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