Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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