I can feel you judging me through the phone.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
