i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
