I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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