I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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