Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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