There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
50% drunk capacity currently
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
