I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im six kinds of drunk right now
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
