Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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