Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
