Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just had sex bonerless
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There's always time for handjobs
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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