I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
