Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
