I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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