haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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