You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize