No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
