I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
