Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
