Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
