In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
