You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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