Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
