if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize