I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
