Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
