I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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