My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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